Dolphin Man
by mcwhoredick
Summary: Gerald Broflovski struggles with being a closeted trans-species. A one shot joke that went too far.


**I want to preface this by saying if you haven't seen the episode Mr. Garrison's Fancy New Vagina (Season 9 Ep. 1) then this fanfiction will make no sense what-so-over. Also yes, this is basically a giant joke. I just really wanted to make a tribute to Gerald because I believe that dolphins are people too. If you actually read this then god bless you.**

Gerald sat in his car outside the Marsh residence, nervously drumming his fingers on the steering wheel. "Should I do it today?" He questioned out loud to himself as he looked at the house. He was supposed to be picking Kyle up from Stan's, he had other plans though.

Gerald finally mustered up the courage to go knock on the front door. After the second tap, Randy answered the door with a can of beer in his hand. Gerald hoped he wasn't too drunk, he still needed Randy to pay attention to what he said.

Upon hearing the knock, Kyle groaned, "Dammit dude, I don't want to leave."

Stan smiled, "Our dads always talk for a long time anyways. Maybe if we don't mention anything, or make an appearance, they'll forget." He said, in classic ten year old fashion. Kyle nodded in agreement, Stan was right about the talking.

Once Gerald was inside he looked around, "Is Sharon home?" He asked in a hushed voice.

"No, she's at a book club or something. Why do you ask?" Randy took another sip of his beer.

"I have to tell you something." Gerald said, he felt a nervous feeling build up in his stomach.

"What is it?" Randy asked, sitting down and motioning for Gerald to join him.

Gerald's eyes flickered around the room as he sat. He took a deep breath in as preparation. "Randy... This may come as a shock to you, but I'm a dolphin." Gerald stated, he felt better the moment he got it off his chest.

A smile grew on Randy's face. "Are you drunk?"

"No, I've wanted to tell you this for a long time. I've known for awhile, I told Sheila, she didn't support me. I figured you were my best friend and I could trust you with this information. You see, ever since I was a little kid I loved water. I loved reading about sea life, dolphins in particular. I thought they were the most majestic thing to ever set fin in the ocean.

"I want to be a dolphin. I've almost drowned multiple times trying to achieve this goal. I've mastered holding my breath for five minutes and twenty two seconds. I can dive with out gear up to fifteen feet! Randy, I'm so close to becoming a dolphin. I've never wanted anything more in life." Gerald said this with the passion of a thousand French lovers. His eyes glowed with happiness, lost in a world of dolphins. Visions of dolphins jumping off into the sunset filled his mind, he wanted nothing more than that vision to be a reality.

Randy's eyes widened as he laughed, he quickly recomposed himself when he saw a frown on Gerald's face. "I'm being serious Randy." Gerald had desperation in his tone, he had pleading in his eyes.

Randy looked down and sighed softly. "Gerald we are best friends, and I want to help you. What can I do?" He asked.

"Sheila doesn't support me. I just want someone to listen." Gerald stated, crossing his arms like a two year old.

Randy felt jealousy and anger flicker inside of him. _Why does that bastard get the blessing of having Gerald in her life?_ Randy thought to himself.

Gerald's gaze was fixed on the ground, Randy didn't quite know what to say. Randy extended an arm and placed his hand on Gerald's shoulder, smiling softly. "I'm here for you Gerald." He reassured him.

Gerald's face lit with the happiness of a dolphin, "Thank you Randy, this means so much to me."

Randy's smile quickly faded. If Sheila didn't even _listen_ to Gerald, why the hell was he still with her? He felt a strange jealousy come over him as he looked at the Jew who's face was full of content. Randy looked at the yamaka on Gerald's head and smiled as he continued to study him all the way to the brown loafers on his feet.

Randy wanted to help Gerald achieve his goal of becoming a dolphin. He wanted to help no matter how hard it would be. "I'm going to help you Gerald. I'm going to help you be the best goddamn dolphin you can be."

Gerald took Randy's hand in his own. "Thank you. You have no idea how much this means to me."

Just then Kyle and Stan ran down the stairs. Gerald quickly pulled his hand away from Randy's and stood abruptly. "Kyle are you ready to go?" He asked him.

Kyle glanced between Randy and Gerald and sighed, "I guess so."

"See you later dude." Stan said to Kyle. They high-fived (because they were way too cool to hug each other- even if it was just a bro hug) and then Gerald and Kyle left.

Once they had exited the Marsh house Randy turned to Stan. "How do you help a friend in need, Stanley?" He asked his son.

Stan was perplexed by the question, more so, why his dad was asking him. "Usually, when one of my friends needs help with something, we just blackmail Butters into doing the whole thing. Like last week we had to do a group project and Cartman promised Butters he'd help shovel his driveway if he did the whole project, but then Cartman got conveniently sick on the day he was supposed to help."

Randy sighed and put a hand up to cover his face. "Oh my god Stan, that's not helpful at all." Stan just stared at his dad with a confused look.

"Are you drunk?" He asked.

Randy sighed again, deeper this time. "No Stan, I'm not drunk... Okay, maybe a little but that's not important. Don't you have a video game you can play or something?"

With that Stan left his father alone in the living room. Randy plopped down on the couch and stared vacantly at the television. "How do you help a man that wants to be a dolphin?" He asked himself. He simply didn't know.

•••

The Broflovski's were sitting down to a meal, Gerald resting his head in his hands. In front of him sat a plate of chicken, mashed potatoes, and broccoli. He could not stomach the idea of eating the food though. "Sheila," Gerald started softly, "Do you think next time you could make salmon?"

Sheila was enraged by this comment. "Gerald, don't you think you could be grateful for the stuff I do! I bust my buns for this family and I get nothing back in return."

"It's just that, to fully become a dolphin I need to eat sea life." Gerald pushed his plate away.

"Dad when are you going to be over this dolphin shit?" Kyle questioned through a mouthful of potatoes.

"Bubbie, watch your language at the table please." Sheila was disgusted by Kyle's lack of table manners. She had raised her children better than this, hadn't she?

"Dolphin shit." Ike repeated happily. Sheila glared at Kyle, who slouched down in his seat.

Sheila sighed and turned back to face her husband. "Look Gerald, I know you might be confused, but you're not a dolphin-"

Gerald stood up and slammed his hands on the table. "Sheila I am a dolphin. I am! Don't tell me I'm not. I can be whatever I want to be and I'm a dolphin Goddammit!"

Gerald ran upstairs to their bedroom and locked the door. "I'm a fucking dolphin." He repeated over and over to himself.

He walked into the bathroom and began to fill up the tub with water. "I'm going for a swim." He told no one in particular. When the bathtub was full he stepped in and laid down in the lukewarm water. He never made his bathes too warm in fear that one day when he reached the open ocean it might be too cold.

The water cleared his thoughts and his worries fell away like water off a sleek dolphin's body. His mind drifted back and forth from one subject to the next; how he should improve his dolphinese, what he would do about being a Jew when he fully transitioned (there was no underwater synagogues last time he checked), and if he would ever find a lovely dolphin mate. He knew it was unrealistic to believe Sheila would remain his wife after he fully transitioned.

He sunk into the water, desperately wishing it was saltwater, as he frowned. The only person that said they would help was Randy. Gerald glanced at his phone and decided to give Randy a call. It rang three times and then Randy picked up.

"Hello?" He sounded half drunk and confused.

"Randy. I want to be a dolphin."

"I know, we just went over this."

"No, Randy. I want to be a dolphin. I want to be free like a dolphin, swimming though the rays of the morning sun, jumping out of the water in the pale moonlight. I have been practicing day in and day out. Listen to how good my dolphinese has gotten." Gerald went on to make a random assortment of whistling and clicking noses.

Randy sighed into the phone as Gerald continued his nonsensical clicking. "If you really want to be a dolphin _that_ bad... I'll take you to the ocean." Randy felt compelled to help his friend.

Gerald sat up quickly in the bathtub, sloshing the water around. "Really?! How soon can we go?"

Sharon walked into the Marsh living room, glancing at her husband. "Who's that on the phone, Randy?" She asked.

Randy cupped his hand over the phone. "Tomorrow." He whispered. He hung up as Gerald rejoiced on the other end. "Just checking the voicemail, honey." Randy answered his wife.

"Oh, well okay." Sharon clasped her hands together and smiled. "Do you have an plans tomorrow? I was thinking we could go skiing as a family."

"Skiing?! Sharon that's a terrible idea." Randy exclaimed.

"Why is it that every time I have an idea you had to shoot it down?" Sharon asked frustrated. She narrowed her eyes.

"Sharon, skiing is a stupid idea. Stan hates skiing and Shelly hates... Well she hates lots of things! I'm sure she hates something in the mountains."

"Stan hates skiing? Since when?" Sharon questioned.

Randy sighed and ran a hand through his hair. "I'm not going skiing."

"Randy, what is going on with you?!" Sharon's voice was almost a yell.

"I'm... I'm trying to help a friend... You wouldn't understand." Randy said, defeated. He turned to leave, glancing over his shoulder. "I'm trying to help... A dolphin."

•••

After Gerald had splashed around in the bathtub for awhile he decided it was time to get out. He didn't want to face his human responsibilities, but he knew that tomorrow he would be a free dolphin.

He dried off and walked out into his bedroom, digging around for clothes. He finally found dolphin boxers, which he thought would be perfect for his last night as a dolphin trapped living on land. He put on his pajama's, they were gray and silky, like a dolphin. He was ready to be set free.

He walked downstairs, past Sheila who was on the phone. "I know Sharon, it's like they've been hit with dolphin-fever." She said into the phone.

Gerald sighed softly because she didn't understand, she never would. He dragged his feet as he walked into the kitchen. "I wish I had a tail." Gerald wailed as he stood in the kitchen.

He felt waves of dysphoria crash over him, like waves over a dolphin. Tears fell from his eyes. He covered his face as he cried silently in the kitchen. The salty tears streaking down his cheeks and reminding him of the ocean.

Kyle appeared in the doorway. "Dad?" He asked quietly.

Gerald quickly wiped his tears. "What is it Kyle?" His back was turned to his son.

"Are you crying?"

Gerald sighed and opened the can cupboard, looking for a can of tuna to ease his pain. He knew real dolphins didn't eat tuna, but what other option did he have? "I'm leaving tomorrow Kyle."

"Leaving? Where are you going?" Kyle questioned.

"Randy and I are going to California. I'm going to become a dolphin." Gerald explained, looking for a can opener.

"Dude, you're not ever going to become a real dolphin."

"I'm already a dolphin. I can feel it in my heart." Gerald opened the can. "Don't you want to be supportive?"

Kyle crossed his arms. "I'll go to the ocean with you just to watch you realize you need to live on land."

Gerald chucked as he looked at the tuna in the can. "I'm a dolphin." He said. He lifted the can and dumped the whole contents in his mouth. Bits of tuna fell out and on to the ground. Kyle was disgusted by the site.

"Mom! Dad's eating a whole can of tuna without a fork again!" Kyle called to his mom, then he ran out of the room.

Sheila stormed in as Gerald choked down the last bit of tuna. "Gerald we talked about this." She fumed.

"I'm a dolphin." Gerald said, calmly. He knew that soon he would be free.

"I've had enough of this dolphin shit." Sheila said angrily. "You're sleeping on the couch tonight."

Gerald walked out of the kitchen and to the couch. Ike was sitting on it watching a nature documentary about dolphins. Gerald's eyes were glued to the screen as the dolphins leaped through the air and danced under the ocean.

He clenched his fists in a jealous rage. "That should be me!" He growled. Ike quickly jumped off the couch and ran out of the room. Gerald flopped on the couch. "That should be me." This time he said it softer, a tear falling from his eyes.

He watched the documentary for a few moments more. "I want to be with them. I can't wait any longer." He stood quickly, grabbing for the remote to turn off the TV.

"Kyle!" He called, "Kyle come down here for a second!"

Kyle yawned as he walked into the living room. "What is it dad?"

"Get your hat, we're going." Gerald nearly flew to the door as he grabbed around for his coat.

"Going? Where?" Kyle asked.

"To the ocean. Come on we have to leave." Gerald slipped on his coat, nearly missing the arm hole.

"It's like eight dad."

"Yeah, well, I can't wait any longer." Gerald grabbed the keys to his hybrid. "Are you in or are you not?"

"I'm definitely in." Kyle said pulling his hat on his head. They left before Sheila could suspect a thing.

Randy was sitting on the couch with Stan watching the news. Randy was not interested in the news though, he could only think about that slimy little dolphin man. "Stan, I'm going to tell you a secret."

"What is it dad?" Stan turned to face him.

"I'm going to release Gerald to the ocean." Randy said, his face as serious as ever.

"Yeah that's great dad." Stan waved it off as one of his dad's crazy ideas.

Suddenly there was a knock on the door. Randy got up and answered it, "This better not be a salesperson or I'll kick their ass."

But it wasn't a salesperson, it was Gerald. "Randy we have to go right now, we don't have much time." Gerald grabbed Randy's hand and dragged him out to the car.

Randy jerked his arm away. "We can't go tonight, it's too late."

"I'll drive the whole way. Sixteen hours straight through. Please Randy, I can't live on land like this anymore." Gerald pleaded. Randy saw the desperation in his eyes.

"Okay." He agreed. "But I get to pick the music, and I'm bringing beer."

Gerald smiled and hugged Randy, letting go before it got awkward. Randy wished he had held on a little longer. "Bring Stan too, him and Kyle can keep each other company."

Soon Randy, Stan, Kyle and Gerald were seated in Gerald's car ready to go. They started down the road heading to the Pacific Ocean. "What music did you pick?" Gerald asked Randy. He hoped it was an album from a good band like Timmy and the Lords of the Underworld, The Raging Pussies or Randy's old band: The Ghetto Avenue Boys.

Randy smiled and pulled out the CD. "It's Blood on the Dance Floor. I can't wait to listen to them for the next sixteen hours!" Randy said a happily as he inserted the CD.

"Dad why do we have to listen to them?" Stan groaned.

"This CD has all their best hits like Sexting and Candyland. Shut up Stanley you'll love it." Randy dismissed him with a wave of his hand.

 _Lesson three is just a tease send those nudes and make me drool. Hit me up, make me cum, wanna sext? I'll show you some?_

Randy sang along to every song.

With Dahvie Vanity's voice blasting through the car Kyle and Stan got little sleep. They would occasionally dose off and then wake up every time they hit a bump, making them subject to the torture of Randy's off key singing and the terrible music.

After sixteen long hours of driving and only two breaks, the ocean came into view. _Sluts get Guts_ was playing for what felt like the millionth time when Gerald stopped the car and smiled. "Home." He said softly.

They all piled out of the car. Randy put a hand on Gerald's shoulder. "This is it."

Gerald nodded, "Why don't you two kids run along and let Randy and I talk for a moment." Stan and Kyle didn't have to be told twice.

Randy grabbed two beers and handed one to Gerald before popping one open. "Are you excited?"

Gerald opened his beer. "I'm overjoyed, Randy." He took a sip of his beer. His last beer. He knew dolphins didn't drink beer, but he made an exception.

Randy turned to him. "You'll be a great dolphin." He said, placing a hand on his shoulder.

Gerald felt his heart warm. "Thanks... This means a lot to me."

Randy felt pride in his chest. "You're welcome Gerald."

Gerald set his beer down on his car, "I think I'm ready."

He then did something unexpected. He leaned over and kissed Randy on the cheek. "You're the best friend a dolphin could ever have."

Randy felt his cheeks heat. They called the boys back over. There was no time for long sappy goodbyes, Gerald was finally going to be a dolphin. He hugged Kyle, "Tell Ike and your mother that I love them."

"Dad you're not actually going to do this are you?" Kyle asked as he hugged his dad.

"I'm going to be with others like me." Gerald walked out waist high into the ocean.

"He's not really going to do this, right?" Kyle asked again, glancing between Randy and Stan. He knew that he would surely drown if he stayed out there for too long.

"Dude! He's really going to do it." Stan exclaimed.

Gerald turned around and waved, then he removed his clothes. No dolphin would really wear clothes anyways. He then dove under the water and he was free.

Kyle, Stan and Randy stood and watched him swim. "He's going to fucking die dude!" Kyle exclaimed in worry.

Randy put a hand on his shoulder. "He's a dolphin, Kyle. I wouldn't worry about it."

Stan had been keeping his eye on the horizon. Gerald was still within view. Suddenly he started trashing as the exhaustion of swimming caught up with him. "Holy shit!" Stan yelled.

Kyle looked out, "Dad!" He cried.

Randy sighed and looked at the boys. "Gerald will be just fine, look he's diving back under again." He pointed out as Gerald's body slipped below the surface and was dragged down to into the murky depths.

"I know it may be hard for you boys to understand." Randy said, glancing between the boys. "But Gerald wasn't happy here, he's much happier where he can be free."

Tears were falling from Kyle's eyes. "I know you miss him Kyle, we all will. But he's happy now, I bet he's already made some new friends." Randy said reassuringly.

He put his arms around Stan and Kyle and smiled happily. "Now who's ready to listen to Blood on the Dance Floor for the next sixteen hours?"


End file.
